So this is my first blog on here, and I am sad to know that my first blog is about my relationship. I'm not writing this for reply's, criticism, or sympathy. I just need to blow off some steam. Although the first two are welcome.
I have had my share of trauma during my childhood it ranges from an abusive mother to molestation. So I'm not easy to break. In this case however it got severely complicated and out of control. I'm not sure what I'll do or what will happen.Why is it so complicated? Why can't I just get out of it.... BABY! Yup I got prego at the one year mark. The sad part is that before I found out I was trying to build up the strength to leave him.
You know some, if not most, of us have been there. The whole " I care for this person so much, I know they aren't good for me, but I can't leave!" The heart is such a complex thing. I don't know if it's because I love him or because I don't really want to be alone, but I can't leave him. I have tried though, several times, to the point where I feel moderately psychotic. He doesn't leave though he throws in petty excuses such as "I don't have a place to stay!" I know he does seeing as he spent most of our pregnancy with his fucking fat ass friend.
Now the juicy part, I'm sure if you're still reading this you'd like to know why I want to leave the guy so fucking bad. Should I make a list? Or should I continue using proper paragraphs? I think I'll go with the woman part of me and go with the... list? =)
Ok I'll start off with the greatest problems.
1. He has no balls.
No not literally, he simply can't speak for himself. He is the classic idiot. A good example he knew I needed him more than his friends yet he took off with them and left me pregnant at home. He knew it was wrong and he felt bad because he told me. But nope, no balls there to say, "I can't and probably won't be ale to for another five months when my family doesn't need me as much."
2. He has an obsession with porn.
Now, normally from what I've read and heard I'm not the only woman who resents this. The reason I hate it so much though is because of that molestation I mentioned earlier. Yup I was raped several times when I was a little girl. The sick bastard did unimaginable things to me. Including making me watch pornography because he wanted me to think it was "Ok." So pornography to me is like an explosion to a Vietnam survivor. Just traumatic and painful.
3. He can't keep his promises.
He promised me for pretty much a year he would stop for mine and his daughters sake. We said we would "Turn Over A New Leaf." Pshht yeah, more like turn over a new porn site. The first 10 times hurt pretty bad but the one that made me absolutely despise him is when he sat next to my sleeping pregnant ass to look up his sick shit. YUP the nerve right?
Aside from lack of communication and ignorance, I think I got the gist of it. Most people tell me to dump his ass and I wish I could but I don't have the strength to do it. He is the only person that can control me so easily. It's like giving the Osama ammunition, just not right. I don't know what I'll do if I do leave him. I don't want to be like our divorcee parents. That was tough on both of us as kids....
I'm nineteen by the way. So I'm too young to be so stressed and yes I know I'm also to young to have three month old baby. I've also been with the guy for two years. He just walked in!!!! Got to go before he gets all butt hurt. =P
So some advice people?
*Ruby
